Okay, I hate my dad.

So my sister had her play last night. It was okay, you know, high school play, sucktacular ending. But of course we had to go to Worcester and pick up my son of a bitch father, whose car got repossessed and who is too fucking lazy to get a fucking job. And no, it’s not the economy. It’s him, all fucking him. And I was not doing well already. Depressed, and restricting. I had a munchkin at therapy– spit it out, didn’t swallow. (My therapist, being the FREAK she is, said this was okay because munchkins are “nasty” and so it was okay that I’m bordering on fucking BULIMIC, and that I would fit well in Europe because of how little I fucking eat. Way to trigger, bitch) I chewed about 15 pieces of gum, so I wouldn’t claw at my arms. And then my dad… god. GOD. I get out of the car, he eyes me up and down like a fucking pervert, says “You look good.” FUCK IT ALL YOU’RE MY DAD YOU FUCKING SHITHOLE. He says he can’t get buckled. I’m in the back with him. He oogles over and I do it for him. God. We get there– he buys me coffee. Makes fun of my request for skim milk and splenda. Wolfs down a donut. Looks at me like I’m a freak for not wanting one. Now keep in mind this is my sister’s play. He buys a flower, intended for the cast, and holds it out to me like a fucking courting schoolboy. Seriously. I tell him, give it to Shannon, it’s her play. He looks crestfallen. Grabs a cookie-on-a-stick and hands it over. I refuse. Can’t eat that. No, I’m ready to puke. They end up with my sister, but only because I insisted. On the way home, he smacks my brother. Understandably, my brother gets REALLY freaked out. Dad’s response: “Don’t disrespect me.” Oh, also, he got his guns back! Yay! Fucking police department full of fucking retards. And now he knows where we fucking live too. Am I scared? Oh yes, shitless. I had nightmares about hiding from him and from food, and about a man whose stomach exploded and split him in half. I ate a 35 calorie piece of bread for supper. I can barely eat at all. I want to starve. My brother does the opposite. Last night he ate a 5 piece order of chicken selects and 2 large fries from McDonalds, a large sprite, an order of pork fried rice, an order of Chinese spareribs, 2 rolls, a fortune cookie, an order of chicken fingers, one of wings, 2 hot dogs, a hot chocolate, and a Boston creme donut.

Lovely. I fucking hate my dad. I want to disappear. I feel so fucking dirty and scared. Excuse the language. I don’t feel eloquent today.

I feel like a wannabe

Haha, the amazing normal weight anorexic! I don’t care that I’ve been diagnosed. That my heart rate is something like 42. That I don’t have my period. That i lost 50 pounds. I must be a wannabe. I eat too much. I think about food all the time. I’ve made up excuse after excuse to not exercise. I want to curl up and die.

What am I recovering from? Something I never really had? Screw it. Just screw it. Things were easier with just 100 calories a day being too freaking much. Things were better. I lost lots of weight. I felt better. And now I’m a freaking pig. A wannarexic who hates food and makes herself eat. Yeah, I make myself eat. How gross is that? It feels so awful. I don’t think I’m ready for better yet. I want to be thin. I want to disappear. I want to die. i want to be the girl people point at and say “She needs a sammich!”

125 pounds. 5′3. Can’t be anorexic. They must be mistaken. 40% of girls my height and weight are thinner than that. I’m normal. I HATE NORMAL.

The monumentous first post

And so another blog is born. How exciting.

I’m Meg. I’m a photographer, writer, amateur game designer, and future photojournalism student at RIT. That’s Rochester Institute of Technology, by the way. However, I currently spend most of my time… wasting time. Hence, a blog. A quick (maybe) list of stuff about me and this blog:

Name: Meg

Age: 19

Where’s the blog title from? ‘A Song of Storm and Fire’ from Tsubasa Chronicle. I love Tsubasa. Actually, I love CLAMP. I really do.

What’s gonna be in the blog: Info about my game, Ember Sky; college crap; family rantings; occasional artistic blatherings; whatever recipe I feel like from time to time; photography; rantings about how much I hate politicians; insane fangirlisms; recovery from anorexia

Did you say anorexia? OMG PRO-ANA BONES YAY!: Ummm no. Not pro ana. Read again. Recovery. Now go eat a sammich.

What’s your favorite….

Food: sweet potatoes, graham crackers, inari. Drink: cinnamon dolce sugar free skim latte, chai latte. Anime: Tsubasa Chronicle, Code Geass, X, Fullmetal Alchemist. Movie: The Princess Bride, The Brave Little Toaster. Manga: X, Tokyo Babylon, Magic Knight Rayearth, Alichino. Book: Abhorsen trilogy by Garth Nix. Color: red, black, silver. Weather: rain in summertime.

What’s your least favorite…

Food: eggs, beef, mushrooms. Drink: milk. Anime: Naruto, Bleach, Inu Yasha… actually I hate a lot of anime and manga. Movie: Ummm. I dunno. Book: The Good Earth. Color: Yellow. Weather: cloudy without rain, the entire month of February.

Politics: I hate politicians. I think they’re all pretty much full of crap. I hate when people say, Oh, I’m Democrat/Republican/etc. Not “I support this right, but am against this idea”. Party ideals like that are easy ways for people to stop thinking. Looking at my beliefs, I lean more towards Democrat, but neither Hillary or Obama seem honest to me. I liked John Edwards though. Alas.

Is that it? Yeah. I think so.