Hospital. Yay.

I’m off to the hospital tomorrow for what they call a crisis evaluation. In other words, I wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in the car for an hour, sit in the waiting room for 3 hours, get tests I’ve had about 15 times done again, and wait some more. Maybe this time it will turn out well. I can only hope I get treatment. I really need it. I seem to be shrinking more and more, even though I’m eating more. The guilt is excruciating. We went to a Chinese buffet today, and even though I ate only a little, eating dessert that wasn’t jsut fruit made me feel guilty. And fried food. . . sesame balls, mmmm. I felt like trying to purge, to be honest. It’s been hard. I’m really bloated and depressed, and doubting myself. My sister is trying to lose weight now, but she’s a dumb fuck, I swear. Oh gee, eat more veggies. . . here, I’ll have 1/2 a plate of lettuce! Oh no, I’m not gonna be anorexic like Meg, I eat! No, my tummy just feels off, that’s all! Thankfully she did eat rela food eventually, lots and lots of it, but still, she scares the crap out of me.

Yay for people

At last! an opportunity for socialization. I got invited to a graduation party! This will be my first real contact with high school friends in… a year. Mind you, last year I didn’t give a crap about my appearance, was totally immature, severely depressed, and dealing with the death of my foster mom and my transition home. I’m now 50 or so pound lighter, better at pretending to be happy, and riddled with a lovely combination of social anxiety and intense loneliness. This will be interesting. How can I fend off the “OMG YOU’RE SO MUCH THINNER EAT A SAMMICH” that I know I’ll hear? My bets friend knows about my issues and will be there– she tends to overfeed me. I want to be normal, not piggish. Gah. Also, my vegetarianism may throw them all for a loop given how much I used to love meat. I’m really nervous.

I felt bad today, so I did 2 hours of DDR and some strength training. I thought about running stairs, but my knees were feeling really nasty and I figured I had to stop or else have trouble tomorrow. I also had some frozen yogurt. That was hard. Everything’s been hard.

But tomorrow I’m gonna call some photo studios and see about a new job. I can’t go back to Kmart. I’m so ashamed of how I left.

I must be determined

I ate breakfast.

I didn’t want to. But I did. Whole wheat mini bagel, low fat cream cheese, watermelon. I won’t be having refined sugar, candy, gum, or diet drinks today. I was doing better without all that sludge.

Is it bad that I want to weigh 115 pounds? That I want my thighs to cease their endless jiggling? And yet I also want to get better. Can I lose weight and be healthy? I don’t know.

I ate fried food.

It kinda disgusts me thinking about it– I hadn’t in so long, but it was good, really.

My mom and I watched this TV show about donuts. Now normally I’m not a donut person, but watching this made me crave really crispy plain donut. So today before counseling we went to our favorite donut shop and I had 2 munchkin type things. Only 100 calories, and delicious. So I think it was okay. I definitely won’t make it a habit– bleeech– but once in a very long while, maybe.

I spent the afternoon on Shrewsbury Common reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell, which is excellent. I’m glad to have found an adult fantasy book that’s not all swords, sorcery, and sex. I hate that crap, almost as much as I hate feminist fantasy where the whole point is “I’m a girl, and I have a sword! Men suck! DID I MENTION THAT I’M FEMALE?! I AM! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!” *cough Tamora Pierce cough*

Mind you, I met Tammy and worked with her at a writers’ workshop. She’s really very nice. I’m just not a fan of some of her more manbashing works. Girls can be strong, yeah, but there’s gotta be more to the story than STRONG FEMALE RAH.

I feel inspired. Maybe after I exercise I’ll write.

Cake, disaster, feathers, sushi, and my beast of a sister

A delightful hodgepodge of topics, no?

Cake: My birthday was in March. I finally got the courage (yes COURAGE) to pick a cake. It’s a yellow cake with maple frosting– not what I thought I wanted but it looks really REALLY good. Plus, it was a day old (who cares? Not me!) so it was discounted. I’m watching my fat and sugar intake so I won’t freak out when I eat a piece. And I AM going to eat a piece, damn it.

Disaster: Holy CRAP, it’s been a bad time in terms of disaster. Tornadoes, cyclones, and now a massive earthquake in China. It seems near apocalyptic. I’ve heard that the death toll for tornado season this year is already tied for the worst ever in this country. That’s INSANE. And 900 students trapped in a primary school in China, with buildings rocking all the way across the country from the shocks… it’s incredible in a terrifying way. Enough to put the fear of God in me, a bit, although I’m still not so sure about the whole God thing.

Feathers: On a lighter note, new Tsubasa! And it definitely threw me for a loop. Spoilers ahead. Apparently Tsubasa Syaoran is the son of CCS Syaoran and Sakura, as implied by Yuuko. Makes his thing with Tsubasa Sakura a tiny bit creepy. But Yuuko said to a younger Syaoran in what seemed to be a flashback that his name was the same as his father’s, referred to his mother as Sakura-chan, and indicated that the price his mother had paid for his wish was the wand that Sakura carries in CCS. I’m not a CCS fan, so I don’t know what it’s called if it has a name… but holy crap!

Sushi: Officially my favorite low calorie food. I had kappa maki (cucumber roll) and miso soup for lunch yesterday. It was excellent, and kind of odd– we ate at a very nice restaurant that serves both authentic sushi and such and your typical crappy Chinese fare, and as I ate my deliciously healthy meal, each member of my family ordered massive platters of deep fried chicken and such. Bleeeccch. I think I may be an accidental vegetarian– i haven’t eaten meat in a week except fish, and when I tried some chicken, I just really didn’t like it. That’s fine with me, actually.

My beast of a sister: I can’t believe this. She threw a major tantrum yesterday, ON MOTHERS’ DAY, for no reason at all. All of the sudden. We were playing a board game for family game night, and she lost a question or something. All the sudden she BLOWS UP and shouts “FINE, I DIDN’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY!” and storms off, slamming doors and generally being bitchy. We share a room, and of course instead of saying she wanted to be left alone she attempted to barricade the door. What an infant. And then she’s all crying and whining like SHE’S the victim, expecting everyone to feel bad because she feels like she ruins everything and then claiming she didn’t do anything wrong. “Why does everyone hate me? Waaaah!” And keep in mind, NOTHING triggered this outburts, except formy brother not moving out, which she blew up over on Friday. She claims that everyone else holds on to everything and is just planning to yell at her later– she’s the only one holding these grudges. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe she pulled this shit on Mothers’ Day. My mom almost cried. I could have killed the little bitch, I swear. She threatens to kill herself whenever she gets irked, going as far as to pour my meds all over the table and threaten to take them. Every time she gets in trouble for being lazy, she goes off, “You just want to kick me out! You want me in a mental hospital! You’re all against me! You don’t want me! WAAAH!” That’s funny- given that she’s the only kid not planning on leaving in the next year, and when she and I were both in foster care, she came home 4 years before me. Of course, she’s the victim. We don’t do anything for her. OH MY FREAKING GOD, she makes me want to beat things up.

Good news– jelly bean bloat is almost all gone. My thighs are back to normal, and my tummy’s almost there too. You have no idea how much stress that relieves for me.

Also– I realized this could become an issue– regardless of anything I may say on darker more depressed days, I am NOT pro “ana” or ED, and will delete any comments that encourage ED behaviors. As more people start coming, I just want to put that on the table.

Sugar free jelly beans are the work of the devil.

I should have known that no Jelly Belly jellybean could really be sugar free, tasty, and without consequence. I should have realized that 35 jelly beans for 80 calories was too good to be true without a hideous, hideous catch.

I was a fool.

I ate 35 jelly beans last night. They were really chewy and without much flavor other than sugar. But that was okay. They were okay. This morning, I had 35 more before church. Bad move. I realized afterwards that those 80 calories must all be from fiber. These jelly beans actually had more fiber than a serving of baked beans. Within a half hour, my already slightly bloated (from soup yesterday) self had inflated like a balloon. Excuse the nastiness, but I have done nothing but fart all day. I looked almost pregnant at the worst of it. My thighs are swollen and jiggly, rubbing together sometimes when I walk (which makes me PANIC and I’m not sure why). I am riddled with awful stomach pains.

Gah. As for these deceptive little beans,

I’ll take the real stuff next time, thanks.

I feel like such a freaking girl.

I spent today with my mom. We shopped. A lot. Okay, a ridiculous amount, and all girly stuff. I got today: cookie dough lip balm/gloss, crazy nail polish, a cute top, a cuter miniskirt (horrors! had never worn anything like it before… now my legs are skinnier so I can… hoorah), delicous chocolate from a free sample lady, the best damn strawberries I’ve ever had, pretty good low calorie french onion soup (150 in a restaurant meal! AMAZING), a cinnamon latte (mmm), a shawl thing to wear to church, 4 pairs of earrings (on sale!), and a bra. We hit up all kinds of sales, and my mom’s excited because she went down a size (she’s like a size 20 now, and she says she hasn’t worn that since she got married). She doesn’t realize that her losing weight by NOT EATING ALL FREAKING DAY while LECTURING ME FOR NOT EATING MUCH (I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, thanks!) is EXTREMELY TRIGGERING, especially when she’s all like “I’m skinny now heeheehee!” and “Oh, I can’t eat, I’ll have to eat again later!” Seriously, she skips breakfast so she won’t have to eat lunch. MEH!

But anyway, it was a lovely girly day. Thankfully, my obnoxious sister didn’t tag along. Really, she’s been awful, throwing tantrums and curling up in the fetal position in counseling… I think I ranted about that already. Ah well. I’m hungry and all I smell is peanut butter. I don’t want peanut butter. Hmmm. What shall I eat?

Mmkay, I think I give up.

So, a couple weeks ago, I decided I didn’t want to lose more weight. I have changed my mind. I definitely DEFINITELY do. I cannot stand my body. Seriously. One day it’s okay, but I take one stupid bite and I swell up. God. I need to tone up and lose all this jiggle. There’s no doubt that it’s there. It is. I am gross, really.

The question is, how? Increase my exercise? I read that eating under 1200 calories a day can stall weight loss. Um… how the hell am I supposed to eat that much? A normal day for me looks like this:

Breakfast: 3/4 cup Cheerio cluster cereal, 1/2 cup light soymilk, sometimes a clementine or banana, between 130 and 200 calories.

Lunch: small low carb pita, 1/4 cup fat free cheddar, 1 cup broccoli. 115 calories.

Supper: Gorton’s frozen grilled tilapia, another cup of broccoli. 105 calories.

Snacks throughout: Fat free yogurt, a piece of fruit, sometimes a pita with peanut butter. Usually around 200–300 calories at most.

That’s a whopping 720 at most. I’d need to almost double my intake. That is… gross. I would feel like such a pig. For me, a big meal is one of those Lean Cuisine things. I swear if I could afford it I’d buy diet pills. Actually, I’m ashamed of buying stuff like that. Ashamed of being seen.

I would really like to weigh 115 pounds. Really. It’s just 10 pounds. I can lose it. I just need to figure out how.

I tried low carb for maybe a day, but I don’t like eating meat. So I think I’ll just totally give up sweets. No more hard candies and crap, or frozen yogurt 3 times a week. Really, that’s kind of gross that I do that. Even if it’s fat free. And I’ll probably add more cardio and strength training.

My psychiatrist wants me in treatment. How am I supposed to go surround myself with all those skinny girls when I am so clearly larger?

I did it!

Ate a good supper. Baked fish, salad, steamed baby carrots glazed with maple, and 1/2 a slice of bread with a tiny bit of margarine. And yeah, it was only just shy of 200 calories. But I was so tempted to pop a 100 calorie popcorn and call it a meal, or maybe just have the carrots.

I did good. Yay me! Screw anorexia!

Food was good to me today.

I love tea. And today I had really yummy tea. Celestial Seasonings does a chocolate caramel chai. Sounds like a travesty, I know, but with soy milk and splenda… OH. MY. GOD. It is delicious. So is their coconut chai. Of course, I can hear all you traditional tea people crying out in pain as I describe these abominations, these cheap bagged imitations. Well, feh on that.

Overall it was a wonderful culinary day. Baked sweet potato with margarine, cinnamon, and brown sugar for supper (yummm….. ^^) followed by that blissful tea and the best freaking frozen yogurt I’ve ever had out of a tub. And lunch was exquisite as well– peanut butter on a low carb pita, heated until the peanut butter got all hot and melty and the pita got chewy. I also encountered something odd– coffee soda. I only had a sip, but it was yummy. Oh yeah. Food was good to me today. Except for the free sample of salmon at Shaws– that was nasty. Salmon is one of those things I won’t be repeating, I guess. Anyway… this whole eating more thing could prove to be fun… if it doesn’t make me batty first.