Hospital. Yay.

I’m off to the hospital tomorrow for what they call a crisis evaluation. In other words, I wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in the car for an hour, sit in the waiting room for 3 hours, get tests I’ve had about 15 times done again, and wait some more. Maybe this time it will turn out well. I can only hope I get treatment. I really need it. I seem to be shrinking more and more, even though I’m eating more. The guilt is excruciating. We went to a Chinese buffet today, and even though I ate only a little, eating dessert that wasn’t jsut fruit made me feel guilty. And fried food. . . sesame balls, mmmm. I felt like trying to purge, to be honest. It’s been hard. I’m really bloated and depressed, and doubting myself. My sister is trying to lose weight now, but she’s a dumb fuck, I swear. Oh gee, eat more veggies. . . here, I’ll have 1/2 a plate of lettuce! Oh no, I’m not gonna be anorexic like Meg, I eat! No, my tummy just feels off, that’s all! Thankfully she did eat rela food eventually, lots and lots of it, but still, she scares the crap out of me.

I am afraid.

I am afraid for the future. The economy is crashing. Prices are rising like never before. Yet still, people do not change. If we could all make simple changes, we could live better. Why is there corn in everything when the prices are so high? Why do we have to drive everywhere? Why can’t we put our minds to work on useful things instead of making stupid menial tasks more enjoyable? I don’t want to live in a country full of people who insist on doing nothing but grumble about gas prices and wish for hybrid cars. It is insane. We are backwards, behind the times, oblivious to everything. America’s idea of cultural awareness is looking at the very worst of dictatorships and third world countries and saying “Gee, I’m glad to live here, because we’re so much better off, rah” as we waste the abundance we once had in totally idiotic pursuits. I want to move to a country where people understand that the planet is not theirs for the taking, and that there is more going on than the price of gasoline.

I am afraid for my health. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying in terror. I have probably destroyed my life. I am terrified. I want treatment. It’s all in progress. I see bones I’ve never seen on me before, or on anyone except scary skinny celebrities– dramatic shadows on my breast bone and ribs, shriveled deflated boobs. I eat, and I puff up, and then it screams YOU’RE FAT YOU PIG EAT LESS and I cry, because I am afraid to stay this way but afraid to get better. I am afraid.

I am afraid for my sister. I made her soup and a peanut butter sandwich– she ate 1 bite of the sandwich and a bite or two of soup. She lied. Said she ate. Wasn’t hungry anymore. I found the remains in the trash. Made her eat. She will not go through this hell. I will not allow it. Absolutely not.

I am afraid of growing up. Of being alone. Of dying. Of living. I want to go back, start over, live again. I am so afraid.

Cake, disaster, feathers, sushi, and my beast of a sister

A delightful hodgepodge of topics, no?

Cake: My birthday was in March. I finally got the courage (yes COURAGE) to pick a cake. It’s a yellow cake with maple frosting– not what I thought I wanted but it looks really REALLY good. Plus, it was a day old (who cares? Not me!) so it was discounted. I’m watching my fat and sugar intake so I won’t freak out when I eat a piece. And I AM going to eat a piece, damn it.

Disaster: Holy CRAP, it’s been a bad time in terms of disaster. Tornadoes, cyclones, and now a massive earthquake in China. It seems near apocalyptic. I’ve heard that the death toll for tornado season this year is already tied for the worst ever in this country. That’s INSANE. And 900 students trapped in a primary school in China, with buildings rocking all the way across the country from the shocks… it’s incredible in a terrifying way. Enough to put the fear of God in me, a bit, although I’m still not so sure about the whole God thing.

Feathers: On a lighter note, new Tsubasa! And it definitely threw me for a loop. Spoilers ahead. Apparently Tsubasa Syaoran is the son of CCS Syaoran and Sakura, as implied by Yuuko. Makes his thing with Tsubasa Sakura a tiny bit creepy. But Yuuko said to a younger Syaoran in what seemed to be a flashback that his name was the same as his father’s, referred to his mother as Sakura-chan, and indicated that the price his mother had paid for his wish was the wand that Sakura carries in CCS. I’m not a CCS fan, so I don’t know what it’s called if it has a name… but holy crap!

Sushi: Officially my favorite low calorie food. I had kappa maki (cucumber roll) and miso soup for lunch yesterday. It was excellent, and kind of odd– we ate at a very nice restaurant that serves both authentic sushi and such and your typical crappy Chinese fare, and as I ate my deliciously healthy meal, each member of my family ordered massive platters of deep fried chicken and such. Bleeeccch. I think I may be an accidental vegetarian– i haven’t eaten meat in a week except fish, and when I tried some chicken, I just really didn’t like it. That’s fine with me, actually.

My beast of a sister: I can’t believe this. She threw a major tantrum yesterday, ON MOTHERS’ DAY, for no reason at all. All of the sudden. We were playing a board game for family game night, and she lost a question or something. All the sudden she BLOWS UP and shouts “FINE, I DIDN’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY!” and storms off, slamming doors and generally being bitchy. We share a room, and of course instead of saying she wanted to be left alone she attempted to barricade the door. What an infant. And then she’s all crying and whining like SHE’S the victim, expecting everyone to feel bad because she feels like she ruins everything and then claiming she didn’t do anything wrong. “Why does everyone hate me? Waaaah!” And keep in mind, NOTHING triggered this outburts, except formy brother not moving out, which she blew up over on Friday. She claims that everyone else holds on to everything and is just planning to yell at her later– she’s the only one holding these grudges. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe she pulled this shit on Mothers’ Day. My mom almost cried. I could have killed the little bitch, I swear. She threatens to kill herself whenever she gets irked, going as far as to pour my meds all over the table and threaten to take them. Every time she gets in trouble for being lazy, she goes off, “You just want to kick me out! You want me in a mental hospital! You’re all against me! You don’t want me! WAAAH!” That’s funny- given that she’s the only kid not planning on leaving in the next year, and when she and I were both in foster care, she came home 4 years before me. Of course, she’s the victim. We don’t do anything for her. OH MY FREAKING GOD, she makes me want to beat things up.

Good news– jelly bean bloat is almost all gone. My thighs are back to normal, and my tummy’s almost there too. You have no idea how much stress that relieves for me.

Also– I realized this could become an issue– regardless of anything I may say on darker more depressed days, I am NOT pro “ana” or ED, and will delete any comments that encourage ED behaviors. As more people start coming, I just want to put that on the table.

I feel like such a freaking girl.

I spent today with my mom. We shopped. A lot. Okay, a ridiculous amount, and all girly stuff. I got today: cookie dough lip balm/gloss, crazy nail polish, a cute top, a cuter miniskirt (horrors! had never worn anything like it before… now my legs are skinnier so I can… hoorah), delicous chocolate from a free sample lady, the best damn strawberries I’ve ever had, pretty good low calorie french onion soup (150 in a restaurant meal! AMAZING), a cinnamon latte (mmm), a shawl thing to wear to church, 4 pairs of earrings (on sale!), and a bra. We hit up all kinds of sales, and my mom’s excited because she went down a size (she’s like a size 20 now, and she says she hasn’t worn that since she got married). She doesn’t realize that her losing weight by NOT EATING ALL FREAKING DAY while LECTURING ME FOR NOT EATING MUCH (I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, thanks!) is EXTREMELY TRIGGERING, especially when she’s all like “I’m skinny now heeheehee!” and “Oh, I can’t eat, I’ll have to eat again later!” Seriously, she skips breakfast so she won’t have to eat lunch. MEH!

But anyway, it was a lovely girly day. Thankfully, my obnoxious sister didn’t tag along. Really, she’s been awful, throwing tantrums and curling up in the fetal position in counseling… I think I ranted about that already. Ah well. I’m hungry and all I smell is peanut butter. I don’t want peanut butter. Hmmm. What shall I eat?

Stair running hurts in a very good way.

I ran up and down the stairs as fast as I could for 20 minutes today. It felt so good to be really sweating again. I could really feel my body just burning all that nastiness. I think I’ll do it again tomorrow while my mom’s at work.

I also stopped being a greasy lout and washed and dried my hair for my sister’s play thing tonight. It was a hideous play, actually just a preview, preceded by several hideous numbers by hideous elementary schoolers with hideous recorders. Hideous. Unfortunately, I will be forced to attend the actual show. My mom says, “She’d do the same for you.” Funny- none of my family attended the play I wrote and directed, or the play I had a major role in, and I have to watch my sister say about 3 lines, poorly and too fast. Not to mention the dancing. My God, the dancing. *shudder* My sister wants to be a theater teacher, but she can’t act or teach. Hmm. She says “The stage has always been my home.” Pfff, bullshit. She’s done shitty after school theater for about a year and can barely memorize 2 lines at a time, and can’t stand in front of more than 5 people to talk without an anxiety attack. So of course, she’s destined for greatness. *rolls eyes* Excuse me while I gag.