I am afraid.

I am afraid for the future. The economy is crashing. Prices are rising like never before. Yet still, people do not change. If we could all make simple changes, we could live better. Why is there corn in everything when the prices are so high? Why do we have to drive everywhere? Why can’t we put our minds to work on useful things instead of making stupid menial tasks more enjoyable? I don’t want to live in a country full of people who insist on doing nothing but grumble about gas prices and wish for hybrid cars. It is insane. We are backwards, behind the times, oblivious to everything. America’s idea of cultural awareness is looking at the very worst of dictatorships and third world countries and saying “Gee, I’m glad to live here, because we’re so much better off, rah” as we waste the abundance we once had in totally idiotic pursuits. I want to move to a country where people understand that the planet is not theirs for the taking, and that there is more going on than the price of gasoline.

I am afraid for my health. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying in terror. I have probably destroyed my life. I am terrified. I want treatment. It’s all in progress. I see bones I’ve never seen on me before, or on anyone except scary skinny celebrities– dramatic shadows on my breast bone and ribs, shriveled deflated boobs. I eat, and I puff up, and then it screams YOU’RE FAT YOU PIG EAT LESS and I cry, because I am afraid to stay this way but afraid to get better. I am afraid.

I am afraid for my sister. I made her soup and a peanut butter sandwich– she ate 1 bite of the sandwich and a bite or two of soup. She lied. Said she ate. Wasn’t hungry anymore. I found the remains in the trash. Made her eat. She will not go through this hell. I will not allow it. Absolutely not.

I am afraid of growing up. Of being alone. Of dying. Of living. I want to go back, start over, live again. I am so afraid.

Shut up about Ted freaking Kennedy.

I don’t really care what he did for my state, there is no way it is important enough for about 3 days now of nonstop TED KENNEDY HAS BRAIN CANCER OMG! on the news.

Really, everyone’s all “Oh, he’s a LION! RAWR!” and “Such a hero!” like he’s dead already. About every 5 minutes, the news breaks AGAIN! Ted Kennedy has a tumor! It’s in his brain! Now he’s at his vacation home! Now he’s doing stuff with boats! We told you first!

Honestly. Isn’t there anything else going on? Like, oh, say, the war our country is currently engaged in? The failing economy? The plight of those affected by the motherload of natural disasters lately? No sir, Ted Kennedy has cancer. Can’t talk about anything else, lest I forget for a moment that it’s MALIGNANT and the survival rate is 1–5 years (but he’s a fighter, so you never know, as they’ve told me about 57 million times) and everybody lurves him sooooo much. . . gah.

In other news, Ember Sky is coming along nicely. I think I’ll redraw Christophe (again) or do Fire Emblem style faces if I can’t get the look I want. But I’m quite excited at the progress I’ve made.

More photos tomorrow, maybe, if we can afford the developing.

Also, did you know that Ted Kennedy has cancer? In his brain? YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

Cake, disaster, feathers, sushi, and my beast of a sister

A delightful hodgepodge of topics, no?

Cake: My birthday was in March. I finally got the courage (yes COURAGE) to pick a cake. It’s a yellow cake with maple frosting– not what I thought I wanted but it looks really REALLY good. Plus, it was a day old (who cares? Not me!) so it was discounted. I’m watching my fat and sugar intake so I won’t freak out when I eat a piece. And I AM going to eat a piece, damn it.

Disaster: Holy CRAP, it’s been a bad time in terms of disaster. Tornadoes, cyclones, and now a massive earthquake in China. It seems near apocalyptic. I’ve heard that the death toll for tornado season this year is already tied for the worst ever in this country. That’s INSANE. And 900 students trapped in a primary school in China, with buildings rocking all the way across the country from the shocks… it’s incredible in a terrifying way. Enough to put the fear of God in me, a bit, although I’m still not so sure about the whole God thing.

Feathers: On a lighter note, new Tsubasa! And it definitely threw me for a loop. Spoilers ahead. Apparently Tsubasa Syaoran is the son of CCS Syaoran and Sakura, as implied by Yuuko. Makes his thing with Tsubasa Sakura a tiny bit creepy. But Yuuko said to a younger Syaoran in what seemed to be a flashback that his name was the same as his father’s, referred to his mother as Sakura-chan, and indicated that the price his mother had paid for his wish was the wand that Sakura carries in CCS. I’m not a CCS fan, so I don’t know what it’s called if it has a name… but holy crap!

Sushi: Officially my favorite low calorie food. I had kappa maki (cucumber roll) and miso soup for lunch yesterday. It was excellent, and kind of odd– we ate at a very nice restaurant that serves both authentic sushi and such and your typical crappy Chinese fare, and as I ate my deliciously healthy meal, each member of my family ordered massive platters of deep fried chicken and such. Bleeeccch. I think I may be an accidental vegetarian– i haven’t eaten meat in a week except fish, and when I tried some chicken, I just really didn’t like it. That’s fine with me, actually.

My beast of a sister: I can’t believe this. She threw a major tantrum yesterday, ON MOTHERS’ DAY, for no reason at all. All of the sudden. We were playing a board game for family game night, and she lost a question or something. All the sudden she BLOWS UP and shouts “FINE, I DIDN’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY!” and storms off, slamming doors and generally being bitchy. We share a room, and of course instead of saying she wanted to be left alone she attempted to barricade the door. What an infant. And then she’s all crying and whining like SHE’S the victim, expecting everyone to feel bad because she feels like she ruins everything and then claiming she didn’t do anything wrong. “Why does everyone hate me? Waaaah!” And keep in mind, NOTHING triggered this outburts, except formy brother not moving out, which she blew up over on Friday. She claims that everyone else holds on to everything and is just planning to yell at her later– she’s the only one holding these grudges. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe she pulled this shit on Mothers’ Day. My mom almost cried. I could have killed the little bitch, I swear. She threatens to kill herself whenever she gets irked, going as far as to pour my meds all over the table and threaten to take them. Every time she gets in trouble for being lazy, she goes off, “You just want to kick me out! You want me in a mental hospital! You’re all against me! You don’t want me! WAAAH!” That’s funny- given that she’s the only kid not planning on leaving in the next year, and when she and I were both in foster care, she came home 4 years before me. Of course, she’s the victim. We don’t do anything for her. OH MY FREAKING GOD, she makes me want to beat things up.

Good news– jelly bean bloat is almost all gone. My thighs are back to normal, and my tummy’s almost there too. You have no idea how much stress that relieves for me.

Also– I realized this could become an issue– regardless of anything I may say on darker more depressed days, I am NOT pro “ana” or ED, and will delete any comments that encourage ED behaviors. As more people start coming, I just want to put that on the table.

Demoralized.

On so many levels it has been a bad day.

Globally, it has been a bad few days. After the cyclone in Myanmar (Burma?), it is estimated that one million people are homeless, says my mom who was awake to watch the news. It’s unfathomable. One million people without a place to sleep. Tens of thousands of dead bodies. My God. To us it’s just a number. It’s so easy to simplify and numb ourselves to it. But just stop for a minute. Try to picture it. Not just the pictures on the news. Just imagine, your house gone. Now your neighborhood. Your city. Maybe even your state or province or what have you. Gone. Incredible, unbelievable, and true.

Personally, of course, I’m struggling again. If there is anything that can make me upset, it’s clothes shopping. I need a bathing suit– doom. Just… doom. Everything which looked fine under my clothes suddenly seemed bulgy, jiggly, hideous. I feel disgusting. Shameful. Like I don’t deserve to recover. Why should I? After all, I have these huge awful thighs. I must be a pig, a lazy ugly pig not worth anyone’s time. I still feel like that. But I forced myself to eat my scheduled lunch and snack. I must remember that starving myself is not going to make me worthwhile.

It’s frustrating to be so stuck on me when all this crap is going on. But I firmly believe that I can take control of my own life, and that in order to lend strength to others, I must. I can’t save the lives and homes of the people in Myanmar, but I can get better and be an inspiration to others facing this disease. That I can do.