Hospital. Yay.

I’m off to the hospital tomorrow for what they call a crisis evaluation. In other words, I wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in the car for an hour, sit in the waiting room for 3 hours, get tests I’ve had about 15 times done again, and wait some more. Maybe this time it will turn out well. I can only hope I get treatment. I really need it. I seem to be shrinking more and more, even though I’m eating more. The guilt is excruciating. We went to a Chinese buffet today, and even though I ate only a little, eating dessert that wasn’t jsut fruit made me feel guilty. And fried food. . . sesame balls, mmmm. I felt like trying to purge, to be honest. It’s been hard. I’m really bloated and depressed, and doubting myself. My sister is trying to lose weight now, but she’s a dumb fuck, I swear. Oh gee, eat more veggies. . . here, I’ll have 1/2 a plate of lettuce! Oh no, I’m not gonna be anorexic like Meg, I eat! No, my tummy just feels off, that’s all! Thankfully she did eat rela food eventually, lots and lots of it, but still, she scares the crap out of me.

I am afraid.

I am afraid for the future. The economy is crashing. Prices are rising like never before. Yet still, people do not change. If we could all make simple changes, we could live better. Why is there corn in everything when the prices are so high? Why do we have to drive everywhere? Why can’t we put our minds to work on useful things instead of making stupid menial tasks more enjoyable? I don’t want to live in a country full of people who insist on doing nothing but grumble about gas prices and wish for hybrid cars. It is insane. We are backwards, behind the times, oblivious to everything. America’s idea of cultural awareness is looking at the very worst of dictatorships and third world countries and saying “Gee, I’m glad to live here, because we’re so much better off, rah” as we waste the abundance we once had in totally idiotic pursuits. I want to move to a country where people understand that the planet is not theirs for the taking, and that there is more going on than the price of gasoline.

I am afraid for my health. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying in terror. I have probably destroyed my life. I am terrified. I want treatment. It’s all in progress. I see bones I’ve never seen on me before, or on anyone except scary skinny celebrities– dramatic shadows on my breast bone and ribs, shriveled deflated boobs. I eat, and I puff up, and then it screams YOU’RE FAT YOU PIG EAT LESS and I cry, because I am afraid to stay this way but afraid to get better. I am afraid.

I am afraid for my sister. I made her soup and a peanut butter sandwich– she ate 1 bite of the sandwich and a bite or two of soup. She lied. Said she ate. Wasn’t hungry anymore. I found the remains in the trash. Made her eat. She will not go through this hell. I will not allow it. Absolutely not.

I am afraid of growing up. Of being alone. Of dying. Of living. I want to go back, start over, live again. I am so afraid.

Yay for people

At last! an opportunity for socialization. I got invited to a graduation party! This will be my first real contact with high school friends in… a year. Mind you, last year I didn’t give a crap about my appearance, was totally immature, severely depressed, and dealing with the death of my foster mom and my transition home. I’m now 50 or so pound lighter, better at pretending to be happy, and riddled with a lovely combination of social anxiety and intense loneliness. This will be interesting. How can I fend off the “OMG YOU’RE SO MUCH THINNER EAT A SAMMICH” that I know I’ll hear? My bets friend knows about my issues and will be there– she tends to overfeed me. I want to be normal, not piggish. Gah. Also, my vegetarianism may throw them all for a loop given how much I used to love meat. I’m really nervous.

I felt bad today, so I did 2 hours of DDR and some strength training. I thought about running stairs, but my knees were feeling really nasty and I figured I had to stop or else have trouble tomorrow. I also had some frozen yogurt. That was hard. Everything’s been hard.

But tomorrow I’m gonna call some photo studios and see about a new job. I can’t go back to Kmart. I’m so ashamed of how I left.

Hoorah for mood swings

I should know better by now. I’m not a wannabe. I’ve spent too many days hating myself, everything, to be a wannabe. If I were a wannabe I wouldn’t be afraid to go eat 100 calories of lunch.

Apologies for the dark mood. It’s been rough. But I found something funny at nonemorepessimistic’s anti-wannarexic xanga: How many pro-anas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 to actually screw it in.
10 to say “OMG, I wish I had your willpower! I’ve been sitting in the dark for the past month!”
20 to to claim that they were “Screwing in my lightbulb last year, but then my parents stopped me when it was almost in and made me unscrew it… now it’s completely dark in here! I need motivation to start screwing it in again!”
15 to take pictures from bizarre angles that make it look like they’re screwing in their lightbulbs.
14 to post pictures of Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen in close proximity to light bulbs.
10 to argue over whether or not screwing in a lightbulb is a choice or the result of a psychological problem.
10 to claim that their lightbulbs are completely screwed in, even though they’re sitting in a dark room with an unscrewed bulb sitting next to them.
11 to say that they had their lightbulb partially screwed in last week, but spent the weekend unscrewing it because they lost their will power.
2 to write poems about the goddess lightbulb that guides them on their quest for light.
and…
7 to come along randomly and ask how they can become light bulb screwers too.

I have to go eat something. DAMN IT I’M GONNA FREAKING EAT SOMETHING. So THERE.

I must be determined

I ate breakfast.

I didn’t want to. But I did. Whole wheat mini bagel, low fat cream cheese, watermelon. I won’t be having refined sugar, candy, gum, or diet drinks today. I was doing better without all that sludge.

Is it bad that I want to weigh 115 pounds? That I want my thighs to cease their endless jiggling? And yet I also want to get better. Can I lose weight and be healthy? I don’t know.

URGH I HATE THIS

I hate myself. Really. I am fat and jiggly and ugly and generally useless. I’m afraid to go back to work. I don’t want to eat tomorrow. If it weren’t for the inevitable metabolic crash, I would definitely fast. Definitely. I’ve gone from at least 800 calories to 800 or less, and that’s way too freaking much. I eat too much crap. Do you have nay idea how much sugar I probably ate today between the freaking high fructose corn syrup in my yogurt (what the hell?) and the sugar in my cereal and the piece of chocolate I ate? Too much. And two days in a row with cake? Munchkins? Am I freaking INSANE?! If getting better is THIS HELLISH than damn it I want to at least get THIN first. No more of this crap; I can’t freaking handle it. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk, how every pair of jeans makes them look like sausages. I’m not healthy anyway. Why be unhealthy and fat when I can be unhealthy and thin?

I don’t know if I can hold on to this “recovery” thing. It just seems like such bullshit today.

I ate fried food.

It kinda disgusts me thinking about it– I hadn’t in so long, but it was good, really.

My mom and I watched this TV show about donuts. Now normally I’m not a donut person, but watching this made me crave really crispy plain donut. So today before counseling we went to our favorite donut shop and I had 2 munchkin type things. Only 100 calories, and delicious. So I think it was okay. I definitely won’t make it a habit– bleeech– but once in a very long while, maybe.

I spent the afternoon on Shrewsbury Common reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell, which is excellent. I’m glad to have found an adult fantasy book that’s not all swords, sorcery, and sex. I hate that crap, almost as much as I hate feminist fantasy where the whole point is “I’m a girl, and I have a sword! Men suck! DID I MENTION THAT I’M FEMALE?! I AM! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!” *cough Tamora Pierce cough*

Mind you, I met Tammy and worked with her at a writers’ workshop. She’s really very nice. I’m just not a fan of some of her more manbashing works. Girls can be strong, yeah, but there’s gotta be more to the story than STRONG FEMALE RAH.

I feel inspired. Maybe after I exercise I’ll write.

Fat acceptance– radical.

So I was checking out my comments the other day and found a blog called Fatadelic, where the author had posted about something I was previously unfamiliar with: fat acceptance. Basically the idea seems to be being happy with your body and not trying to change it for any reason. Now, for me, I can’t imagine ever NOT trying to change my body. My body is not just my body, it is a work in progress. The fit of my clothing is always different. I don’t seem to understand maintenance, it’s always gain or lose. Every action, every bite, is geared towards weight loss. This is my disorder. It is hell, in case you haven’t gotten that already from previous postings.

I don’t know how I feel about it. In a lot of ways, it sounds freeing, radical even, to be content with the way you are in all ways. Body acceptance, even fat acceptance, is definitely an important part of self acceptance. Actually the definition given in the post for “FA” is the desire for an end to fat discrimination at the person’s current size– this I agree in. No one should be judged for their body. Being “fat” does not necessarily mean you are lazy, piggish, or anything else– just that you are fat. However, I am also of the opinion that living a healthy life is important, and that does mean eating right and exercising. I also think that these things should be pursued not as a weight loss tool but as a way of life. Weight loss may come, but it should not be the goal. If you eat right and keep active at your comfortable level, your body will find its way to a size it is okay with.

“Dieting” is not good. It is a temporary change of habit with the specific goal of weight loss. Even for health reasons, it’s just a temporary fix that will feel more like punishment. Eat healthy, keep active, treat yourself when you really want it.

I don’t agree with accepting the health issues that come with any weight problem, under or over. If you have health issues due to weight, you should try and (here it comes again) live a healthier life, because obviously your body is not happy where it is and you CAN do something about it. But the realization that your body is not always a work in progress, that you are a worthwhile person no matter how big you are, is something I hope more people can take to heart. I’m trying to get there, to that place where I can see my body and my personality as “good enough”.

Cake, disaster, feathers, sushi, and my beast of a sister

A delightful hodgepodge of topics, no?

Cake: My birthday was in March. I finally got the courage (yes COURAGE) to pick a cake. It’s a yellow cake with maple frosting– not what I thought I wanted but it looks really REALLY good. Plus, it was a day old (who cares? Not me!) so it was discounted. I’m watching my fat and sugar intake so I won’t freak out when I eat a piece. And I AM going to eat a piece, damn it.

Disaster: Holy CRAP, it’s been a bad time in terms of disaster. Tornadoes, cyclones, and now a massive earthquake in China. It seems near apocalyptic. I’ve heard that the death toll for tornado season this year is already tied for the worst ever in this country. That’s INSANE. And 900 students trapped in a primary school in China, with buildings rocking all the way across the country from the shocks… it’s incredible in a terrifying way. Enough to put the fear of God in me, a bit, although I’m still not so sure about the whole God thing.

Feathers: On a lighter note, new Tsubasa! And it definitely threw me for a loop. Spoilers ahead. Apparently Tsubasa Syaoran is the son of CCS Syaoran and Sakura, as implied by Yuuko. Makes his thing with Tsubasa Sakura a tiny bit creepy. But Yuuko said to a younger Syaoran in what seemed to be a flashback that his name was the same as his father’s, referred to his mother as Sakura-chan, and indicated that the price his mother had paid for his wish was the wand that Sakura carries in CCS. I’m not a CCS fan, so I don’t know what it’s called if it has a name… but holy crap!

Sushi: Officially my favorite low calorie food. I had kappa maki (cucumber roll) and miso soup for lunch yesterday. It was excellent, and kind of odd– we ate at a very nice restaurant that serves both authentic sushi and such and your typical crappy Chinese fare, and as I ate my deliciously healthy meal, each member of my family ordered massive platters of deep fried chicken and such. Bleeeccch. I think I may be an accidental vegetarian– i haven’t eaten meat in a week except fish, and when I tried some chicken, I just really didn’t like it. That’s fine with me, actually.

My beast of a sister: I can’t believe this. She threw a major tantrum yesterday, ON MOTHERS’ DAY, for no reason at all. All of the sudden. We were playing a board game for family game night, and she lost a question or something. All the sudden she BLOWS UP and shouts “FINE, I DIDN’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY!” and storms off, slamming doors and generally being bitchy. We share a room, and of course instead of saying she wanted to be left alone she attempted to barricade the door. What an infant. And then she’s all crying and whining like SHE’S the victim, expecting everyone to feel bad because she feels like she ruins everything and then claiming she didn’t do anything wrong. “Why does everyone hate me? Waaaah!” And keep in mind, NOTHING triggered this outburts, except formy brother not moving out, which she blew up over on Friday. She claims that everyone else holds on to everything and is just planning to yell at her later– she’s the only one holding these grudges. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe she pulled this shit on Mothers’ Day. My mom almost cried. I could have killed the little bitch, I swear. She threatens to kill herself whenever she gets irked, going as far as to pour my meds all over the table and threaten to take them. Every time she gets in trouble for being lazy, she goes off, “You just want to kick me out! You want me in a mental hospital! You’re all against me! You don’t want me! WAAAH!” That’s funny- given that she’s the only kid not planning on leaving in the next year, and when she and I were both in foster care, she came home 4 years before me. Of course, she’s the victim. We don’t do anything for her. OH MY FREAKING GOD, she makes me want to beat things up.

Good news– jelly bean bloat is almost all gone. My thighs are back to normal, and my tummy’s almost there too. You have no idea how much stress that relieves for me.

Also– I realized this could become an issue– regardless of anything I may say on darker more depressed days, I am NOT pro “ana” or ED, and will delete any comments that encourage ED behaviors. As more people start coming, I just want to put that on the table.

I feel like such a freaking girl.

I spent today with my mom. We shopped. A lot. Okay, a ridiculous amount, and all girly stuff. I got today: cookie dough lip balm/gloss, crazy nail polish, a cute top, a cuter miniskirt (horrors! had never worn anything like it before… now my legs are skinnier so I can… hoorah), delicous chocolate from a free sample lady, the best damn strawberries I’ve ever had, pretty good low calorie french onion soup (150 in a restaurant meal! AMAZING), a cinnamon latte (mmm), a shawl thing to wear to church, 4 pairs of earrings (on sale!), and a bra. We hit up all kinds of sales, and my mom’s excited because she went down a size (she’s like a size 20 now, and she says she hasn’t worn that since she got married). She doesn’t realize that her losing weight by NOT EATING ALL FREAKING DAY while LECTURING ME FOR NOT EATING MUCH (I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, thanks!) is EXTREMELY TRIGGERING, especially when she’s all like “I’m skinny now heeheehee!” and “Oh, I can’t eat, I’ll have to eat again later!” Seriously, she skips breakfast so she won’t have to eat lunch. MEH!

But anyway, it was a lovely girly day. Thankfully, my obnoxious sister didn’t tag along. Really, she’s been awful, throwing tantrums and curling up in the fetal position in counseling… I think I ranted about that already. Ah well. I’m hungry and all I smell is peanut butter. I don’t want peanut butter. Hmmm. What shall I eat?