Mmkay, I think I give up.

So, a couple weeks ago, I decided I didn’t want to lose more weight. I have changed my mind. I definitely DEFINITELY do. I cannot stand my body. Seriously. One day it’s okay, but I take one stupid bite and I swell up. God. I need to tone up and lose all this jiggle. There’s no doubt that it’s there. It is. I am gross, really.

The question is, how? Increase my exercise? I read that eating under 1200 calories a day can stall weight loss. Um… how the hell am I supposed to eat that much? A normal day for me looks like this:

Breakfast: 3/4 cup Cheerio cluster cereal, 1/2 cup light soymilk, sometimes a clementine or banana, between 130 and 200 calories.

Lunch: small low carb pita, 1/4 cup fat free cheddar, 1 cup broccoli. 115 calories.

Supper: Gorton’s frozen grilled tilapia, another cup of broccoli. 105 calories.

Snacks throughout: Fat free yogurt, a piece of fruit, sometimes a pita with peanut butter. Usually around 200–300 calories at most.

That’s a whopping 720 at most. I’d need to almost double my intake. That is… gross. I would feel like such a pig. For me, a big meal is one of those Lean Cuisine things. I swear if I could afford it I’d buy diet pills. Actually, I’m ashamed of buying stuff like that. Ashamed of being seen.

I would really like to weigh 115 pounds. Really. It’s just 10 pounds. I can lose it. I just need to figure out how.

I tried low carb for maybe a day, but I don’t like eating meat. So I think I’ll just totally give up sweets. No more hard candies and crap, or frozen yogurt 3 times a week. Really, that’s kind of gross that I do that. Even if it’s fat free. And I’ll probably add more cardio and strength training.

My psychiatrist wants me in treatment. How am I supposed to go surround myself with all those skinny girls when I am so clearly larger?